3-4am ....

3 in the morning.

Usually when I can't sleep, I have a journal right next to me, and furiously start writing, releasing the thoughts that enrapture my head that don't allow me to sleep... For some reason, once I get them down on paper once I let them out, I am able to return to the sleep I so desperately need.

Anxiety is normal these days for me. I'm in the process of transition, where everything around me is changing. I used to feel like I used to be able to control everything, now I just realize, nothing is in my control. No longer in a relationship, vulnerability to the outside world makes you want to wear the suit of armor that you once had. Being strong is no longer as easy as it used to be, and comfort though not to far away is not enough to make the heart stop feeling anxious.

Somehow, its just not as easy as it used to be. Though in your heart you have the answers- sometimes you don't want to hear them. Its not easy to not be selfish. Traces of lessons, memories and pictures- accepting that's all you have left for now... is not easy.

Though not easy, the smile to the outside world is there. Expectations of those around me are met, whether I feel like it or not. I know my role perfectly. Sometimes I wish that someone were strong enough to get to the deep layers of me, dig until they find someone unrecognizable from the surface- until they find me. Grab me and shake me. Burying and rationalizing have always been my strength, but everything buried at some point needs to resurface... but not by choice, simply because the right person hasn't come along.

Now more than ever I feel the need to escape to a place where I can be free of feelings, emotion, expectations. And just feel... statisfied? Perhaps as humans are we always cursed to feel unsatisfied and disappointed. Or is the disappointment I feel, the disappointment I have caused other people- simply slapping me in the face?

It's 4am, now and the night may have answers, I place my head on my pillow while whispering a prayer to the night. Tomorrow is another day, during these days, I feel like its a battle, I'm confused, is this normal? It never used to be this way, or maybe it always was, and I chose to see it differently.

I still want to escape. Is this normal?